I cant sleep. It's near 2am and what am I doing? I don't know. I started praying tonight, something I haven't done in a long time. Why? I also don't know. Stupidity I guess. I feel the need to cry a lot lately. Not because I am depressed, but because I am scared. Scared and excited, and with a bit of sadness. The news that I have been wanting to share is this: I will be staying in Norway, and next summer will marry Aleksander. I will marry the man of my dreams, the man that makes me happy, treats me with respect, puts me before himself and loves me unconditionally. So why do I cry at night? During my conversation with God I figured it was because I was scared of the struggle that lies ahead of me. I am a foreigner here, things won't be as easy as if I were in the States. The language I still have to fully conquer. It is one thing to be able to order food and hold a brief conversation. But to go to school, and study and read, speak and write it fluently is still a huge accomplishment I have yet to achieve. I know it will take a lot of headaches, cursing at the book and patience of Aleksander as I ask him to explain things he doesn't remember. Another, is the people of this country. I love them I do, but it is so hard to get to know people here. There is a latin community here and the parties are fun, but I don't quite fit in. The majority of the women are older, married and have kids. Most of their topics revolve around swim lessons, barnehagen stories and comparisons of their kids. It's not fun and I don't find them fun. I have a group of friends here, mostly Mexican, and they mean a lot to me. We relate a lot. But each one has different schedules and priorities that I don't see them as much as I would like to or sometimes need to.
Norwegians are hard to get to know, you won't befriend one on the street. If you have a Norwegian friend here it's because they are somehow connected to your social network. They come off as cold, and rude. In the states it is very common to say "Hi how are you?" while in street or at the store. Start up friendly conversation. Here? Almost impossible. After almost 2 years here I am still a bit homesick and I miss that social side of life in the USA. I miss family and friends, but aside from that, I miss how easy it is to get to know people, to communicate with strangers. Those invisible walls just aren't up in the USA. I admire Norway, but it will be hard to start up and establish what took me years in the USA. My circle of friends, my "spots" to go to, know where to go for anything you could imagine.
All of this haunts me at night, and that's how I end up here, in front of my computer screen. Only tonight...or more like this morning is different, I decided to post it.
Please don't get me wrong in thinking that I am getting cold feet. Absolutely not. I am excited to get married and start a new life with him by my side. Build a home with him. It's just everything else that scares me. I know that I can do it. I can conquer the language, I can restrain myself from smiling at everyone at the store, or asking how they are.
...
Here is another thing that I just thought of that has affected me these last few days as well. The terrorist act in Oslo, and the island of Utøya. That evilness. I know there is evil all over the world, but I did not expect it here in Norway. It was shocking, saddening, sickening, depressing, and unbelievable at the same time. Especially because it was a terrorist act against against his own country, against his own people. I am not Norwegian, but it hurts me just the same. And it scared me. Because I have never been so close to something like this. 9/11 affected me, but I was also a lot younger when it happened, all I comprehended was that a bad man planned for planes to crash. I didn't understand the motives and politics behind it. This however was only an hour plane ride from where I live, in the capital of Norway, I am in the second biggest city in Norway. Who's to say we could be the next target? It's thoughts like these that also mingle in my head.
Right now I am pretty much plain scared. Of many things. And for starters I would like to get a hold of a Bible. I have never been a Bible reader, even though I have been baptized, received communion, have been confirmed and was part of a Catholic Youth Group for 4 years. There are many things I don't understand, don't agree with and or don't find interesting or relevant to me, so I have a hard time connecting with it. But I am willing to give it a try, to calm my nerves, maybe find some answers or comforting advice.
I am starting to fall asleep here. I feel like a vented well enough and feel a lot better already. I promise that the next post will be a lot cheerful.
About Me
